For those that have known me for a long time you might wonder what has changed in me that I post so much about the firearms? What caused me to want to move to Colorado and make some other changes. Those have all stemmed from changes that have occurred in my heart. It all started with a prayer out of brokenness, and directly from Psalm 139:23, 24, "Search me, O God and know my heart; Try me and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
Several years ago I found myself in the midst of almost losing everything from some very poor errors in my judgment. I stood at the brink of a precipice and there was no one there to pull me back. The Lord literally intervened and saved me. That was some 6 years ago. Prior to that I had lived the "nice guy" Christian life, but felt like I was dead inside, I chased fruitless dreams, seemed to wander around a bit. I even had a "friend" and whom I thought was a mentor tell another friend of mine that I was "wishy washy". Later this same person, after things had come to light, stated to me that "I knew something didn't seem right with you." I don't disagree with those things that were said of me, I just wish that he had confronted me directly on those things, maybe it would have uncovered the deeper, darker things in my heart, maybe things would have gone differently. I was "aloof" in my heart, and even though I knew the scriptures I was very much like a Pharisee, I had not let the Word of God pierce my heart or break me.
After the set of circumstances in 2006 and upon the realization that I was broken I began to pray Psalm 139, I really took to heart Proverbs 4:23-27, "Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life. Put away from you a deceitful mouth and put perverse lips far from you. Let your eyes look straight ahead, and your eyelids right before you. Ponder the path of your feet and let all of your ways be established. Do no turn to the right or the left; remove your foot from evil." God really began stirring in my heart. It was at that time we joined a small church, where, I have met some of the most honorable men I know to this day. They surrounded me. Kirk, my dear friend and at that point in time my new Pastor had a true Shepherd's heart, (he still very much does, we talk fairly regularly). Us men began the study of the book Emotionally Healthy Church by Peter Scazzerro. That book taught me so much, what it means to love well, how experiences and my past had shaped me and my actions both present and future. It taught me to love incarnate. I highly recommend that book.
It was also during this time that I really began to wrestle with the nature of God, who God is. I found that I didn't really understand His grace, I really didn't understand why He didn't just strike me down because of my sin. I read the whole Old Testament during this time. I knew the New Testament pretty well, but it wasn't until I read the Old Testament that it really opened up to me who the Lord really is. It also reshaped so much of what I thought I knew in the New Testament. I found out about how the Lord has perfect mercy, perfect grace, and perfect wrath and judgment. I learned more about His eternal nature. I began to think critically about what I believed about the Lord. One of the biggest struggles I had was with my own mortality, I was afraid to die; of course, who isn't? Most of the men in the Old Testament, didn't seem afraid to die (neither did those in the New Testament, especially for their faith in Jesus). One book I struggled with the most was the book of Job. Man, what a story! It had a profound impact on the way I viewed the Lord. The history of Israel, amazing, how God deals with people's hearts on such a personal level, but when it comes to nations it is in judgment. The Old Testament has shaped much of the way I view our nation today and why I mourn for the people of our nation. God hasn't changed.
During a set of counseling sessions that Shannon and I had in 2006 our counselor recommended to Shannon and I that we read the book Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. Shannon bought that book for me in 2007, I finally picked it up in 2010. It took me about 2 weeks to read the book. Since that time I have reread that book (as well as the others) about 3 times now. Again Wild at Heart is a must read. It helped me to uncover a lot of what I knew in my heart, but really couldn't articulate. It dealt with me on things like why just being a "nice Christian guy" is killing me. Why I need to make a stand for what is right and to be an example to my sons. As Kirk would say, "more it caught than taught." The aspect of God that is a fierce warrior, but tender at the same time and that us men are made in that same image. Again it helped me peel back the layers of my heart and it continues to this day.
The other book I read during this time period (among some other theologically deep books on "end times", the sovereignty of God and some others) was a book by Steve Farrar called King Me. This is a must read for any father out there, young or old. One of the struggles I had early on was that I wanted to do great things for this world, I wanted to change it and be "great for God". Many know this, but I love to sing, I thought that one day I would have that as my "ministry" to the Lord and be great. I pursued it, even to the point of being gone practically every night doing "church" things. I left my family at home. I had, at the time, two sons at home who really didn't know their daddy (which at that point may have not been a bad thing). I was an angry man, frustrated, lost my temper often, my values were not real good, but I really did desire and love the Lord. What I didn't understand at that time is that love required that I value the things that are important to the one I claimed to love more than what I valued. That is true love. That is what the Lord requires of us, if we are to truly love Him. I can relate to the David's historical account in many ways.
King Me is about the legacy that David passed down to Solomon, and then from there on down the line. If you are familiar with the account, it eventually leads to the destruction of Israel. Is our nation any different than that? We did not get to the place that we are overnight, it started some generations ago, the exact timing could be up for debate, but more than likely it started around the turn of the 20th Century. It's not something we can fix overnight either. It will take generations to fix, and honestly, (and I am sure folks will disagree with me on this) but we aren't ready to fix it. The fields are NOT white with snow, they are dead in their hearts. The people are still in the mode of turning from God, there is no brokenness, only disobedience. The hearts of the people are hardened. Our model to know when the heart is ready is with Jesus' words in Matthew 5, or what most know as the Beatitudes. There was none more guilty than I; I was not around for my wife nor my sons and my heart was very hard. The legacy I was going to leave was not going to be that much different from the rest of our culture. I bought into the culture, I was a micro-chasm of the culture, just like many of the churches I attended. (Save for Living Springs, which to this day is very counter-church culture and yet I know the Spirit is working mightily among them. They are an organic church.) Then it hit me... What sort of legacy am I leaving, what am I instilling in my sons. What will their grandchildren remember me as? I realized that I would not be remembered for the "great" things I did in my life or any of my accomplishments, but that I would be remembered by how I lived my life. Not necessarily in specific events, but by how my sons will have grown up to be men and then what traits and values they will have passed along. Will they pass along the love of the Lord? How can they if I do not live that way. The Scripture defines what that looks like very clearly and no I am not talking about generational curses or anything like that, no such thing exists; however, what does exist is what they will "catch" from the way I live. Our children WILL learn it and take it to the next level, they will amplify whatever it is we do, both the spoken and unspoken, both the good and the bad. I came to the realization that my GREATEST LEGACY will be my sons. That is how we change the world, by living out our 70, 80 years, or whatever time we have on this earth and living in such a way as to teach our children but to also walk the journey out with them. Again more is caught than taught.
Men, it is time to be men, that is to stay the course, be steadfast, men after the Lord's own heart. To turn away from the darkness; it is clearly defined in the scriptures as to what that is. If you have any doubts, look at the evil that abounds in our world today and ask yourselves how did we get here? History is the greatest teacher about the future. We are not the first nation to go down the current path we are on, and it is very clear about what happens to the nations that do continue down this path.
This is just a brief glimpse into what has shaped me into what I am today, and this journey is by no means over, far from it. There is also no single answer to the question on what has changed, this has been a step-by-step journey, the Lord reveals new things to me with every step. Because of where I am at and what I have learned, by heart breaks for our nation, it breaks for my sons and the type of world they will have to live in. I want them to be able to defend themselves from evil, both spiritually and physically. They will have to raise families in this world, I want them to be able to do it in a free nation; however because of the evil it very well could be in bondage, and they may have to once again fight for their freedoms. I want them to be prepared as men, men of God. I want them to live passionately for the Lord, because it is that passion that future generations might need to be able to live freely for God, the Creator of all things and they just might have to fight for it.
